Week 44 Review: Crashing and hiding – and what I’ve learned.

Hello Readers (if there are still any of you reading)!

I would like to apologise for disappearing last year. I stopped writing for a few weeks because I got a bit sick, but really I found it hard to get started again once I’d stopped.

This was particularly the case because my last DO/AO challenge was such a positive, ambitious one for me (focusing on really getting lots and lots of exercise) and, although it started well, it ended up with me crashing and burning. I didn’t push myself hard at all by the standards of fit people, but I definitely pushed myself too hard for my own level. It happened to coincide with an unexpected and inexplicable bout of insomnia, and the combination meant that I ended up succumbing to the virus of the moment and I’ve struggled to get myself back on track ever since.

Once I had the energy back to write, I didn’t really know what to write about that week. I had wanted it to be such a positive week and I ended up falling back into old, bad health habits directly after it. I don’t think I wanted to be negative and I don’t think I really wanted to admit that all of my DO/AO efforts that year had resulted in nothing much. I always try to be very honest here, and I didn’t really know what to say about that week.

I still don’t really know what to say! It was a set-back, a big set-back. On reflection, it probably didn’t need to be as big a set-back as it was. If I’d written about it fairly soon, I think I could have refocused on returning to healthier habits. I don’t think I’d realised how much this blog was keeping me accountable. I also find it far too easy to forget how much this blog helps me work things out in my head. Even when I think I know what I’m going to type here, the process of thinking out how to write it seems to help me reflect and realise things.

As I’m typing this, I’m realising that, by not acknowledging here that my healthy habits were slipping, I was giving myself permission to let them slip. Even if nobody reads this, the act of writing it and publishing it means that I have to explicitly acknowledge it to myself.

It also means that I can forgive myself and stop making it a shameful thing. Isn’t this the problem that a lot of us who struggle with our weight have? We slip, almost inevitably we slip. It could be because we get sick or for some other reason – perhaps we suddenly get very busy, or get a bit of an emotional battering. Once we slip, though, something seems to happen in our psyche that switches on all of the old habits and we quietly, secretly, shamefully give ourselves permission to once more ignore the treadmill and buy chocolate.

I need something that helps me to bounce back once I slip and to keep the slippage to a minimum. It’s not enough to know that I would feel better if I was doing healthier things and it doesn’t help for me to hide that I slipped or pretend to myself that it’s alright to stop trying.

I do feel ashamed that I slipped for so long and that I’m still in that mode. I also feel ashamed that I did not write this when I was in the middle of the worst and really struggling. Then, I would have been doing something positive when everything about my body and my circumstances was against me. Now, although getting back to healthier habits will be a struggle, I feel that I’ve already taken a few steps back up that hill. It’s a long climb, but the air’s fresher and view better already.


About Zaiene

Life is large and I am small. Filled with over-complicated thoughts and little tendency towards action, this is me, doing the best I can right now.
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