This weekend I became really discouraged. In particular, I became discouraged about my weight loss goal.
Although I know I mention health-and-fitness-related goals in this blog, I try not to focus too much on weight loss itself. I try to make goals more about attitude, habits and lifestyle and feel that a healthier weight will come about naturally if I have those things working for me. (I do abhor this obsession with losing weight.) But I do really need to lose weight and perhaps it’s time I stopped pretending (I suppose to myself as much as anyone else) that I’m not obsessing about my weight as much as the next person.
For the past few years my weight, which is always hard to keep at a properly healthy level, has been slowly increasing. This year, despite being the Year of Sunshine and Birdies Singing, I seem to have put on weight more rapidly than ever before. I even weighed myself with the special scales I use for my research job, which to fancy computer software, and discovered I’m well and truly in the obese section (even though I think look just overweight).
Finally, though, things seemed to come together and for the past six weeks I’ve been really good at cutting out all but the occasional bit junk food (usually due to birthdays or anniversaries) and exercising at least three times a week. I know this is just a beginning, but I felt that surely dropping so much of the junk food I had been eating (particularly chocolate!) and sustaining so much more activity would have made some difference.
In the past six weeks I’ve put on almost a kilo and a half (3 pounds).
I know that weight isn’t the only measure of getting fitter (although I’m currently too scared to measure my waist circumference) and that weight fluctuates, but I really believed that I had at least halted my weight gain. Instead, I seem to have put on weight even faster than before! Even my clothes can no longer cleverly hide my increasing stomach and rolls of fat.
People, I spent all of yesterday wallowing in giant muddy puddle of despair, despondancy, discouragement and self pity! It made everything in my life feel pitiful and unsatisfactory. I felt that I had no control over anything. I felt like just giving up and going back to not caring – like eating what I liked and not worrying about exercising, because it hadn’t made any difference anyway, had it? I had made a batch of macadamia butter toffee crunch for a family do and was tempted to just sit down and start scoffing it. By the end of the day, I desperately wished I had more control over things, I started to feel discouraged about feeling discouraged! (Yes, Zaiene’s over-introspection strikes again!) I hated feeling so down and couldn’t seem to shift my mood, which made me more discouraged.
But there was a moment when I felt just a little bit of hope. Staring at the butter toffees, there was a little part of me that decided I just didn’t need them. I walked past them and instead stared out the window and watched the rain. I still felt blue, I still felt discouraged, but I realised that I had moved forward. I was managing to change my habits. Perhaps it is going to be harder than I had thought, but perhaps I just need one week of really feeling that I’ve pulled out all the stops.
So, this week, I am having a Super Weight Loss Week! In other words, I am going to draw together all of the things I have tried in the past. I am going to add everything that I’ve found helpful and drop everything that I’ve found beneficial to drop. I am going to try to have one week of really great exercise and healthy eating. I am going to have one week where all my focus is on weight loss strategies. I won’t judge my success by the scales. I just want to really feel that I’m doing everything I can. I want to turn my week upside down and shake myself up. I want to make this week only about weight loss. I want to remind myself that I do have control and I am making progress.
I am going to add meditative stretching.
I am going to add organising myself at night for the following day.
I am going to add bragging and statements of greatness.
I am going to drop idle snacking and eat proper, filling meals.
I am going to drop wearing slippers and start the day in my sports shoes.
I am going to drop morning procrastination and start my day doing something, even if it just some stretches.
I am going to add permission to fail and focus on just having a try.
I am going to drop worrying about the path and focus on the next step, wherever it takes me (better wander aimlessly than to stand still and experience nothing new).
I am going to add a schedule for the week.
I am going to drop electronic entertainment and add gym visits.
I am going to add rising early.
I am going to drop “Poor Me”s and arrange my circumstances to suit how I roll, which means primarily that I won’t schedule exercise first thing in the morning!
I want to exercise every day. I want to eat even more healthily than I already am. I want to be aware of new opportunities to exercise or new ways of exercising. I want to think of exercising and eating healthily as a whole-day activity (when I can), not just something to squish in around other pursuits. I want to utilise apps and websites that help to keep me accountable and motivated.
I am very scared that I will set myself up for all of this activity and, when it comes down to it, I will just choose to do something sedentry. But this week there will be less work as it is school holidays, so it is my best opportunity to be really devoted to one thing all week. This is my week to show that I can pick myself up after feeling desperately discouraged.