Perhaps I am always to be a Searcher, a Journeyer.
Most people I know seem to have found their path. I don’t mean that they have arrived at their destination, but they are sure of their path. They are teachers, or psychologists, or nurses, or performers. They have partners or spouses and are parents with families and houses. They have careers and steady incomes and security and, although life mightn’t always be perfect, they know they are doing what is right for them right now.
It’s been a very long time since I have felt that I know what I should be doing. I have a sense of what I should be doing, if I was going to be merely conventional, but I don’t seem to be very good at living up to the conventional average as an adult.
In fact, I quite like a lot of the freedom of uncertainty. I like not being trapped into set tasks, roles and responsibilities. I have never liked the feeling of getting up every morning and doing the same thing for days stretching endlessly before me.
(I don’t like the lack of money, though. I don’t like the lack of stability and security-building that little money brings, nor the limits being on a low income places on my choices. In fact, that is perhaps the only conventional thing I want out of life: moderate financial security, with a little house to call my own – some space to be myself, to be independent, and to do as I wish.)
Perhaps, though, what I will find most fulfilling in my life is not to Get Somewhere, but to Explore. Perhaps I will never be happy within the limits of just one role (“teacher”, “psychologist”…).
For a while now, I have felt confused about whether I am doing the right things with my life. I feel so far away from being anywhere other than where I began. I know I have started new things, learned new things, tried new things, but I don’t feel as if they have moved me tangibly closer to the Somewhere that I should end up. I don’t feel I have to be Somewhere yet, but I feel I should be markedly on the way and that everybody else should be able to see that I am taking big steps closer.
Instead, I feel like I’ve been wandering along a path, hoping blindly that it will take me somewhere worthwhile, but mostly getting distracted by fields of flowers or pretty streams, having naps, daydreaming or wandering around aimlessly.
Perhaps, though, that is what I’m supposed to be doing. Perhaps I’m a daisy sniffer, a stream admirer, an explorer, a dreamer. Perhaps this is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. At least, perhaps this is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life now. Perhaps I will eventually discover an enticing path, or even just hunker down and build my own hut. Perhaps this won’t happen if I am constantly trying to struggle along roads that everyone else is traversing, perhaps I won’t find these things unless I’m off the road, wandering around and exploring, going nowhere in particular.
This is me, I’m an Explorer.