About a fortnight ago, I felt as if my life had suddenly spun out of control, and I was scared and baffled.
I felt exhausted, I felt stressed and I felt anxious. I even felt depressed. I would go to bed at night and feel my heart pounding, almost as if it was living in my throat. Thinking about the following day – usually a very normal day – filled me with a sense of uncertainty and worry. I was used to being a little tired, but at work I felt drained and rushed.
I was baffled because I had no idea where these feelings were coming from. Yes, I had been busier than usual, but I still worked less than the average full-time worker, and I didn’t have work to take home or kids to look after as well. Work was routine and mostly pleasant. I was eating reasonably well and getting out for walks more often. I was even being more productive and organised with household chores. I seemed to have free time in the evenings, but I never felt that I had a chance to breathe.
I became really scared when I fell into a depression for two days straight. It was an effort to do anything, let alone be cheerful, and I felt like crying about everything. It was scary because the cause of these feelings was a mystery. There was nothing I could target to make myself feel better. I felt as if I didn’t even have a right to these negative feelings when nothing was really wrong, and was frustrated at myself for not being able to pull myself out of it. Sunshine and daisies and birdies singing, remember??!?! But I did have all these inexplicable negative feelings and I couldn’t pull myself out of it, and that was terrifying. How did I help myself if I didn’t know what I needed help with?
Eventually, I figured out a few things. I figured out that most of these feelings could be at least partially contributed to sleep deprivation. I’ve become so used to being a bad sleeper and being a little tired that I hadn’t realised quite how much effect my recent spate of 4am wake-ups had been having. I figured that my brain was not getting a chance to to relax, because distracting it was not the same as letting it pause.
I also figured out that I wasn’t acknowledging and processing my time. For me, this means I wasn’t writing. I wasn’t blogging or journalling my thoughts about my life, and that meant that life was overwhelming me. Last week, I began to address the other things I’d figured out. This week, it is time to start writing again. I used to journal or blog frequently, but my personal journalling has become occasional, and I have not even taken as much time for DO/AO recently.
This week, I will add daily writing. Some of it may be here (I do share a lot of my reflections and ponderings with you!), or it all may end up in my personal journal. I will write about anything that is on my mind, but I will particularly try to write more about ordinary, daily events.
(And with a smooth segue…)
I shall also drop wearing makeup – or so much makeup. On the face of it (haha, get it?), this may seem a fairly practical thing compared to dealing with powerful negative emotions, but it has a lot to do with my self-thoughts.
It also has a lot to do with punctuality!!
I don’t wear an excessive amount of makeup, but I could wear less. Before I leave the house, I generally, exfoliate and moisturise, and then put on foundation, concealer, powder, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner, lip liner, lipstick, cement, marmelade and peanut butter… I will then dry and straighten my hair. Add brushing my teeth, and I end up spending at least half an hour in the bathroom.
I always get up a long time before I have to leave and I always feel rushed in the mornings. If it’s not something with a strict start time (such as work or a class), then I somehow end up leaving anywhere from twenty minutes to a whole hour later than I’d planned.
Since I don’t have a figure or face that naturally looks fashionable and stylish, I’m very conscious of how much confidence I gain by knowing I have my makeup nicely applied. To reduce the amount that I wear will mean that I need to have more confidence in my natural looks. It will also mean that I need to have more confidence in myself regardless of my appearance.
I will still wear makeup, particularly for work, but I will also look for more opportunities to wear none at all. Perhaps when I go for walks, or when I go grocery shopping. I want to be less tied to this inscure routine I have before I venture out to face (haha, I did it again!) the world.