Just a quick entry to plan for the weekend, combined with a kind-of-review of last weekend.
I am going to drop late nights and sleep-ins. It’s time for a normal sleeping pattern once more! I have been seriously struggling with this for about a month now, due to some insomnia and bad sleep (as in, I sleep but I wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep!).
I shall have to arise early tomorrow anyway in order to get to choir rehearsal number one on time, so that will kick-start it. I should also be tired enough to go to bed at a decent time as I will also have choir rehearsal number 2 in the afternoon and the whole day will require a fair bit of driving around, including a trek to the far side of town in the morning and a painful trip across the city between choirs.
Of course, I haven’t made a good start by staying up late to type this when I should already be in bed…!
This weekend I am going to add the simple, accepting perspectives I was working on last weekend.
Usually, I try to do something different each weekend. The idea (in theory) is that I try new things and see if they work and then implement them for the rest of the time if they are effective, while anyone reading gets to hear something different that they might find interesting, or even like to try or adapt for themselves.
However, I also try to keep this blog realistic. I started this whole experiment because I tend to have good intentions but need something extra to really get me going. In the same way, I also often need some extra motivation to stick at things. Thanks to this experiment and this blog, I have found in recent weeks a perspective that has seemed to hit home and have an effect for me. It is easy for me to quickly or gradually slide back into old habits because it is a lot of effort to establish new ones, and so I am going to use this weekend to try to really convert these into proper habits.
To be clear, I want to keep working on allowing myself to fail and to be happy with whatever I can manage. When I manage to keep this in mind, I find that I relax and enjoy myself more and my mind is not filled with frantic self-monitoring, comparing with others and worrying about embarassing myself or feeling disappointed with myself. Last week I found this so empowering, when I remembered, but I am still forgetting it and getting caught up in the guilt.
The other part of this is keeping things simple. I love to start expecting more of myself, trying to fit more in, trying to be more, even trying to have more fun or be more spectucular. These are usually linked with wanting to make a success rather than a failure of my day, and of myself. Even though I usually fall far short of my expectations and am forced to be a simpler version of myself and to lead a simpler version of my lifestyle, it comes with a lot of over-complicated thoughts, plans, anxieties, criticisms, fears and pressures. Last week I tried to do this and succeeded in small ways, but still found myself expecting more of myself than was realistic or fair – much more than I was expecting of anyone else!
So, I aim to stop the hectic flightiness of my brain that comes from trying to be everything and do everything and instead allow myself to focus more simply and purely on things with no pressure to be perfect or special. Even as I type this, I realise that I have been falling into this trap again during the week and even today. Of course, since I haven’t managed to get up early a single day this week, I have always fallen far short of my hopes for the day, but that hasn’t stopped me piling more tasks and pressure on and thinking, thinking thinking constantly about the million tasks.