Sorry for being a bit slow putting this up, this weekend!
This weekend I am adding bragging! Well, something closer to bragging than I usually get. I’ve noticed as I get older that I’m increasingly full of self-criticism and self-doubt, which means I often find it hard to merely say to myself “I was good at this” or “this went as well as could be expected”, let alone actually give myself a big tick for something. Of course, this means that I also struggle to present the most positive and confident side of things to others. I do not mean I am an exceptionally negative person, because I feel like I’m generally a cheery and encouraging kind of girl, but I do know there are times when I find it hard to be completely positive about myself.
For instance, if someone at work asks how my day went, I might respond generally positively, but I’ll find it hard not to add a little disclaimer – the kids weren’t perfect, of course; there were a few challenging moments, of course; I didn’t quite get everything done that we wanted to, of course – because I don’t want to come across as one of those people who is blind to their own faults, or because my faults feel so large to me. Another example is when I’m thinking about future possibilities. I’ll tend to see all the difficulties and be discouraged rather than all the reasons I might do well. When talking with friends or family I often feel the need to add a lot of disclaimers in the form of foreseeable difficulties in case I speak too positively of my plans or ideals and then don’t achieve them.
This is my best friend’s wedding. It will be the perfect opportunity for me to be totally positive about things while socialising with lots of people who will inquire politely about my study and my work and so forth. I feel like talking positively could have two main benefits. The first is that I will be presenting myself as someone who is more calm and confident. People prefer to be around positive people and definitely they have more confidence in people who are self-confident. Ideally, the response from others would reinforce my positivity. The second benefit is the possibility the habit of bragging will become the habit of thinking with positivity and confidence in the long run.
This weekend I am going to drop re-evaluating. It is probably clear by now that I think about things…a lot. Even good things can be reviewed again and again. This weekend, after a week of being horribly sick and therefore not able to work, study or help my best friend with wedding things, and with The Big Day, I want to just be able to accept how things were and not constantly go over them. There will always be some evaluating, but that usually happens naturally right after an event (“Ooh, I really enjoyed that!”/”Urgh! That made me want to spew!”). I’m not going to subsequently devote the rest of my weekend to reviewing every detail. I don’t want to be Miss Pernickity-pickity-negatickity! I also would like to be able to just relax.